Baby Class V

The fifth class was a bit of a let down. It was breastfeeding, which means there’s not all that much I can have to do with the class. Sure, there’s the ever important male “moral support” role, and a few small things they mentioned that I could check for the Mom, but basically, I’m of even less use here than I am on most things. Which is good, all things considered.

Basically, the class turned into a propaganda session in a matter of moments. There’s something magical about babies that they transform people into red-in-the-face advocates of whatever their particular m.o. is. I suppose it’s good that it’s babies and not, say, baseball. I haven’t had passionate discussions with too many people about the merits of playing the infield back in a tie game, or whether 2-1 is a good count for a hit and run. But we attended the holy church of breastfeeding last night, and they were pulling out all of the stops to convert erstwhile sinners, er, non breast feeders, into the group. Seriously, we were told how breastfed babies are smarter, better coordinated, healthier, perhaps even better looking. Since Julie and I weren’t breastfed, we considered this information stupidly, then fell down, coughing as we went, and were ashamed of our ugliness. (Not REALLY).

I was amused by turning this into a game. I would look at Julie and softly whisper “Hitler– NOT breastfed,” or “Jesus Christ- breastfed” or someone else equally obvious. We did get a few pieces of worthwhile information in the latter half of the show, when football holds were demonstrated, and the Lactation Consultant started imitating baby faces. My favorite was one where she flicked her tongue out and reminded me of Jesco White proclaiming that he saw a beautiful nekkid woman with the head of a snake and flicking his tongue out to imitate the snake. I did this to Julie a couple of times before she reminded me that most people would assume I was just pervertedly trying to assert my desire for some breast milk. So I quit.

One more class to go, and then I will recover my Tuesday evenings. More books are coming soon, as I’m about 2/3 through Molly Harper, and am working on three other books as well. Don’t ask how, or else I might start juxtaposing them– into a world of Biblical vampires playing sports in the World War II era. And since I wasn’t breastfed, I’m not smart enough to handle that.

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5 Responses to “Baby Class V”

  1. Teresa Says:

    I read “Lactation Consultant” and literally laughed out loud. I wonder if part of our mother’s certification was learning to lecture people and flick her tongue about wildly.

    (I just spent about 15 minutes writing a list of my own breastfed and not breastfed individuals, but deleted every single one of them in case they happen to stumble across this and see that I have revealed their ugliness)

  2. eljoe1235 Says:

    You’d be safe. Because not only are we non-breastfeeders ugly, but we’re stupid and clumsy, so either we wouldn’t understand that we were being insulted, or we would understand and would jump up to go get retribution, but would then stumble into something sharp and main ourselves. It’s tough out there.

  3. eljoe1235 Says:

    And incidentally, I should further remark that I do not intend this blog to be a criticism of breast feeding. Far from it. I do think it is worthwhile, and I do suspect that it is better for babies than formula. My point was just that this information was being overstated in such a manic way that it was hard to take it seriously.

  4. Julie Says:

    This blog made me laugh and made me feel a lot better after that wretched, stupid class.

  5. Ricky Says:

    That beautiful nekkid woman looked like an angel from heaven, I’d say she looked to me like she was about 19 or maybe 20 years old.

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